There are killers lurking in your kitchen. They wait patiently in the dark, biding their time until you open the door to illuminate their true devious form. These silent assassins are currently being called "the most dangerous threat to our nation's youth", but who are they? The tiny, tubular terrors have a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. They also have a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R. (Yeah, I know that's a bologna commercial, but they make hot dogs too so just go with it).
The meaty menace which is the most American of treats has apparently become public enemy number one. That is, at least, according to Dr. Gary Smith of the American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention (that's not a joke, it's really the name of the organization). Dr. Smith has said that, "If you were to take the best engineers in the world and ask them to create a perfect plug for a child's airway, you couldn't do better than a hot dog." Huh, and I thought Catholic priests had already found the perfect plug for a child's airway.
Back to the quote. It was so specific it got me to thinking, "what kind of sick fuck ponders putting together a team of elite engineers whose sole purpose is to choke children?" Then it hit me...must be a teacher.
Dr. Smith also warns that any cylindrical or round shaped foods pose a serious choking hazard and should therefore carry warning labels. He even goes so far as to call out grapes, nature's snack for cripes sake, as being high risk. Do you think they'd have to put a label on each grape, or just some sort of yellow caution tape around the whole bunch?
Anyway, my intent for the rest of the column was just to make a few thinly veined, I mean veiled, dick jokes. Instead, I'll take the high road and just leave you with this. Enjoy.
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