Terror Takes On a New Shape

There are killers lurking in your kitchen. They wait patiently in the dark, biding their time until you open the door to illuminate their true devious form. These silent assassins are currently being called "the most dangerous threat to our nation's youth", but who are they? The tiny, tubular terrors have a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. They also have a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R. (Yeah, I know that's a bologna commercial, but they make hot dogs too so just go with it).
The meaty menace which is the most American of treats has apparently become public enemy number one. That is, at least, according to Dr. Gary Smith of the American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention (that's not a joke, it's really the name of the organization). Dr. Smith has said that, "If you were to take the best engineers in the world and ask them to create a perfect plug for a child's airway, you couldn't do better than a hot dog." Huh, and I thought Catholic priests had already found the perfect plug for a child's airway.
Back to the quote. It was so specific it got me to thinking, "what kind of sick fuck ponders putting together a team of elite engineers whose sole purpose is to choke children?" Then it hit me...must be a teacher.
Dr. Smith also warns that any cylindrical or round shaped foods pose a serious choking hazard and should therefore carry warning labels. He even goes so far as to call out grapes, nature's snack for cripes sake, as being high risk. Do you think they'd have to put a label on each grape, or just some sort of yellow caution tape around the whole bunch?
Anyway, my intent for the rest of the column was just to make a few thinly veined, I mean veiled, dick jokes. Instead, I'll take the high road and just leave you with this. Enjoy.

The Most Powerful Trivia in the Free World

In honor of President's Day, some little known facts about our former Commanders in Chief.

*Grover Cleveland is the only president to be elected on two non-consecutive terms AND the only president with a Muppet named after him.

*In 1838 People Magazine named Martin Van Buren it's "Sexiest Man Alive". This led to his trademark "Van Buren Burns" becoming all the rage.

*The famous slogan "I Like Ike" was actually Eisenhower's third choice after advisers deemed "I Prefer Dwight" not catchy enough and "Mighty Dwighty" too suggestive.

*Due to his parents lack of imagination, the "A" in Chester A. Arthur stood for "Arthur".

*Abraham Lincoln began wearing the stove pipe hat only after losing a cockfight bet to Vice President Johnson.

*In a little known addendum to the Versailles Treaty, President Woodrow Wilson was supposed to get to shave Kaiser Whilhem's mustache.

*Calvin Coolidge twice vetoed legislation that would have made referring to your spouse as "my better half" a federal offense.

*During the Great Depression, in an attempt to bring in revenue, Herbert Hoover toyed with the idea of renting out the East Room of the White House for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

*Much like his namesake cartoon cat, James Garfield hated Mondays and loved lasagna.

*Millard Fillmore did not have a vice president because none of the potential candidates could say his name without giggling.

*At the time of his death, Warren G. Harding was in negotiations to lend his name to a line of male enhancement devices.

...and now you know.

Nip it in the Bud

Feb. 1, 2004...a date that this nation will never forget, a date that forever changed the way we would think about ourselves and our halftime entertainment. That was the day that Janet, Miss Jackson if you're nasty, had the audacity to show her bejeweled nipple (with a little help from Justin Timberlake) to the world. That one simple nipple threw the FCC into a rage, religious groups into a fervor and launched Super Bowl organizers on a determined quest to rid halftime of ANY possible controversy.
Since that fateful afternoon we have been treated to an entertaining, if aged, group of Rock and Roll Hall of Famers like Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty and The Boss. This past Sunday was no exception. British rock legends The Who, or half of the Who at least, with Ringo's kid on drums, rocked through a collage of all time classics. But during the show America was forced to endure something that personally I found FAR more offensive than Janet's nipple...Pete Townshend's belly. Again and again the guitar god windmilled his way through iconic guitar riffs, each time exposing his pasty, wrinkled, old man flab. No one wants to see that. No one. So I got to thinking, what were halftimes like before Janet?
A quick trip to the wide world of web left me surprised and amused. Eight of the first nine Super halftimes featured college marching bands, including UofM's in 1973. The one that didn't had Miss Carol Channing! I'm sure gentlemen all across this great land held their collective breath, hoping for a glimpse of Ms. Channing's hooter. Two years later Channing would appear again, this time with fellow hottie Ella Fitzgerald.
Over the next 14 years "Up With People" subject football fans to a special brand of nausea inducing happiness FOUR times, including right here at our very own Pontiac Silverdome. Also sprinkled in during that decade and a half were more marching bands, drill teams, Carribean bands and the dynamic duo of George Burns and Mickey Rooney.
It wasn't until 1991 that a current pop act would hit the halftime stage in the form of that envelope pushing power house New Kids on the Block. NKOTB performed with Disney characters and a childrens' choir singing "It's a Small World"...guess where that game took place.
The ensuing years were a smattering of who was hot and who used to be hot, including Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan (3 times), U2, Sting, Aerosmith w/ Britney Spears and even the King of Pop himself.
So I guess we shouldn't complain too much about the fossil rockers that have become as much a tradition as nachos, football squares and Super Monday hangovers. It could be much worse...I think Carol Channing is still alive.

Tastes Like Chicken?

Dateline Punxsutawney, PA.
The watchdogs at PETA are trying to convince the good folks of the tiny village in Western Pennsylvania that they are evil. Apparently it has been suggested to the Groundhog Day planners that they replace old Punxsutawney Phil with an animatronic version. That's right...A ROBOT GROUNDHOG!
PETA people say groundhogs are anti-social creatures that are stressed out by bright lights and contact with humans (kinda like me in the morning). This, they attest makes the practice of pulling Phil out of his artificial stump at 5a.m., in front of 100's of onlookers, an inhumane act.
In response William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says that PETA has it all wrong and that Phil is actually treated "better than the average child in Pennsylvania." No word on when Child Protective Services will be visiting the Deeley home.
Just in case that chubby little bastard sees his shadow though, the folks at Gobbler's Knob may want to consider sending PETA a free lunch:

Country-Style Groundhog
Courtesy of Oregon's Hevanet.com
1. 1 groundhog
2. 1/2 c. flour
3. 1/4 tsp. salt
4. 1/4 tsp. pepper
5. 1/4 tsp. soda
6. 1/4 c. cooking oil
7. 1/2 tsp. sugar

NOTE:Clean and skin as soon as possible. Remove all sent glands. Cut off head, feet and tail. Cure in cool place by suspending from hook approximately 4 days. When ready to cook, lard according to recipe.

Dress groundhog as for rabbit, removing the small sacs in the back and under the forearm. Soak groundhog overnight in salted water to remove wild flavor. Combine flour, salt, pepper and soda; rub into groundhog pieces. Brown groundhog in hot oil in skillet; sprinkle with sugar. Reduce heat; add 1/2 cup water. Cover; simmer for about 30 minutes or until tender. Remove cover; cook for 10 minutes longer.
Bon Appetit

Grammy-phoning it in

Last night's Grammy telecast garnered the highest ratings for that show in the past six years. My only explanation for that is because people tuned in to see what Lady Gaga would do, and then fell asleep with the remote in their hands. The show lacked a signature performance, one that people talk about and remember for years to come. Instead it was a collection of mostly uninspired collaborations. As a matter of fact the best "performance" of the night may have been Stephen Colbert, who took home the prize for top comedy album. During his speech he told us that "since this was a Christmas album I want to thank Jesus Christ for having such a great birthday."
Alright, since I'm the teacher, here's a report card of the highlights:
Lady Gaga- B
Crazy costumes? Check. Big, theatrical stage production? Check. Strut out Sir Elton John? Check. Not as wild or over the top as one might have expected, but still a good way to kick off the show.
Green Day- C-
I loved "Dookie" as much as the next guy. "American Idiot" had some terrific songs. But I think once you've turned you songbook into a Broadway musical, you have to turn in your rebellious punk credentials. Sorry. It was like watching the cast of Glee cover "21 Guns", which actually may have been more entertaining.
Pink- song C-, hanging mostly naked from a bed sheet whilst dripping wet- B+
This would have been so much cooler if she hadn't already done the "daring young chick on the flying trapeze" schtick at the 2009 VMA's. The song was such a downer that it was difficult to truly enjoy the fact that she was 20 feet in the air, spinning and spraying all the celebrities below her like some sort of naked, bejeweled lawn sprinkler.
Beyonce' B
Not bad actually. She was led to the stage by dozens of "guards" in riot gear, who then stood watch over the performance. Kinda cool when she ripped into a few verses of the ultimate "fuck you" song "You Oughta Know", even if she did leave out the word "fuck". That's ok, she's a "good girl". Not like that nasty Alanis.
Bon Jovi- C
A lame song from the new album that no one bought, then an appearance by the chick from Sugarland to sing another BonTucky number. Cap that off with the song the fans requested, which was..."Livin' on a Prayer". Shocker! How did a band that didn't have any nominations end up singing three songs?
Jamie Foxx- C
Dear Jamie. Stick to acting. And even then, maybe you could tone down the whole, "I'm the coolest guy in the room thing". Because guess what? You're not.
Jeff Beck w/ Imelda MayBeck-B May-D
Beck paid tribute to the late, great Les Paul. No arguments with that. May had me wondering, "Did Mary Ford lip synch 'How High the Moon"?
The MJ Tribute (Usher, Celine, Smokey, Carrie Underwear and Jennifer Hudson)- C+
The guy had about 1,000 songs that everyone can sing in their sleep, but they bust out a "new" song about how we need to take care of the planet. Plus, it was in 3D! Couldn't help but wonder why Beyonce' had on the red and blue specs in the front row. I suppose Jennifer Hudson must really be only one dimensional in real life.
Taylor Swift w/ Stevie Nicks - D
I saved the worst for last. This was unbearable. Swift's voice might be fine for the down home, teen heartbreak songs she writes, but when she tried to trade verses on "Rhiannon" with Nicks I actually felt bad for her. It's like finding out in front of 30 million people that you aren't as good as you thought you were. Makes me wonder if there was a rehearsal. Stevie did her best to save the disaster but even with her witchy magic it didn't have a chance.