Grammy-phoning it in

Last night's Grammy telecast garnered the highest ratings for that show in the past six years. My only explanation for that is because people tuned in to see what Lady Gaga would do, and then fell asleep with the remote in their hands. The show lacked a signature performance, one that people talk about and remember for years to come. Instead it was a collection of mostly uninspired collaborations. As a matter of fact the best "performance" of the night may have been Stephen Colbert, who took home the prize for top comedy album. During his speech he told us that "since this was a Christmas album I want to thank Jesus Christ for having such a great birthday."
Alright, since I'm the teacher, here's a report card of the highlights:
Lady Gaga- B
Crazy costumes? Check. Big, theatrical stage production? Check. Strut out Sir Elton John? Check. Not as wild or over the top as one might have expected, but still a good way to kick off the show.
Green Day- C-
I loved "Dookie" as much as the next guy. "American Idiot" had some terrific songs. But I think once you've turned you songbook into a Broadway musical, you have to turn in your rebellious punk credentials. Sorry. It was like watching the cast of Glee cover "21 Guns", which actually may have been more entertaining.
Pink- song C-, hanging mostly naked from a bed sheet whilst dripping wet- B+
This would have been so much cooler if she hadn't already done the "daring young chick on the flying trapeze" schtick at the 2009 VMA's. The song was such a downer that it was difficult to truly enjoy the fact that she was 20 feet in the air, spinning and spraying all the celebrities below her like some sort of naked, bejeweled lawn sprinkler.
Beyonce' B
Not bad actually. She was led to the stage by dozens of "guards" in riot gear, who then stood watch over the performance. Kinda cool when she ripped into a few verses of the ultimate "fuck you" song "You Oughta Know", even if she did leave out the word "fuck". That's ok, she's a "good girl". Not like that nasty Alanis.
Bon Jovi- C
A lame song from the new album that no one bought, then an appearance by the chick from Sugarland to sing another BonTucky number. Cap that off with the song the fans requested, which was..."Livin' on a Prayer". Shocker! How did a band that didn't have any nominations end up singing three songs?
Jamie Foxx- C
Dear Jamie. Stick to acting. And even then, maybe you could tone down the whole, "I'm the coolest guy in the room thing". Because guess what? You're not.
Jeff Beck w/ Imelda MayBeck-B May-D
Beck paid tribute to the late, great Les Paul. No arguments with that. May had me wondering, "Did Mary Ford lip synch 'How High the Moon"?
The MJ Tribute (Usher, Celine, Smokey, Carrie Underwear and Jennifer Hudson)- C+
The guy had about 1,000 songs that everyone can sing in their sleep, but they bust out a "new" song about how we need to take care of the planet. Plus, it was in 3D! Couldn't help but wonder why Beyonce' had on the red and blue specs in the front row. I suppose Jennifer Hudson must really be only one dimensional in real life.
Taylor Swift w/ Stevie Nicks - D
I saved the worst for last. This was unbearable. Swift's voice might be fine for the down home, teen heartbreak songs she writes, but when she tried to trade verses on "Rhiannon" with Nicks I actually felt bad for her. It's like finding out in front of 30 million people that you aren't as good as you thought you were. Makes me wonder if there was a rehearsal. Stevie did her best to save the disaster but even with her witchy magic it didn't have a chance.